Ad breaks are marked in the transcript below. The audio player uses the ad-supported feed.
🎵Music🎵
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, and Merry Christmas!
We're a D&D 5th Edition Actual Play Podcast, I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, and with
me today is Amy More.
That was a beer opening.
Merry Christmas.
And also with us, and also with us, is Carla Johnson.
Happy Boxing Day for those in Canada and the Commonwealth nations that I believe all celebrate
Boxing Day.
And also to Americans, maybe they're trying to make it happen there.
I don't know.
Just like we made Black Friday.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, we stole Black Friday, and by we I mean like corporate
conglomerates to try and sell us things.
So, maybe it worked the same.
Let me keep going on about my anti-consumerism message.
That's what this podcast is about, right?
How many Christmas presents have you bought in December?
I spilled a lot of beer on myself.
And waiting ever so patiently, Tom Laird.
Yeah, I don't have any fun sound effects or any anti-something or other stances to
make, so, hey everybody!
Welcome and hopefully everybody's Christmas is fantastic and was fantastic and...
Hanukkah too.
Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.
Well, all of them, the whole day in Kit and Kaboodle.
And winter solstice.
Winter solstice, all of those things, all of those things in the morning.
And we're doing different things today, special Christmas, New Year's type special
things, which we'll get to in just a moment, but first we have a dedication to one of
our lovely patrons.
And today's dedication is to Dylan Powell.
Hey Dylan, thanks.
You're awesome.
Thank you, Dylan.
If you would like to find out more about our Patreon community, who are having a fantastic
time with us over there, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast is the place to go and
check it out.
You know what we do have going on that we can mention is an end of year sale
in our T-Public store going on.
Oh, that's fun.
That's fun.
There's some fun stuff there.
T-Public does a whole bunch of sales and it's like all of T-Public and they're like,
you can just sell it as your own.
But this one we lined up especially for our store, so it's just us and maybe some
other people who signed up for it, but mostly just us.
Disregard all that anti-consumerist stuff that I said.
What I meant was the best thing you can do is buy some things at T-Public from
your favorite podcast.
And also, and also our podcast.
Ho!
Ho!
Way to play it cool there.
Self burn.
Yeah.
It's okay.
We didn't discuss the consumerist approach that we were going to take here in this
post winter solstice fever that we're all experiencing right now.
But that's all I got.
So fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
So what we're doing here today.
We're diving deep into a certain character who was only around for 10 episodes.
God, it felt like a lifetime.
It did.
But we're digging deep into a little bit of Grantzis' backstory.
Oh boy.
Oh, Tom with the impression.
That was good.
That's right.
There's still Grantzis in All of Us, isn't there?
I mean, there really is.
That's what this whole holiday season is all about.
The Grantzis inside of All of Us.
I think I should say that there's Grantzis in All of Us, not inside of All of Us.
It just makes it seem too physical.
We open in a classroom.
There's a crest on the wall of a well-known wizarding school within Waterdeep, the El
Tortual Academy.
Seated among many other students, we see a young, bright-faced Grantzis Ashton studiously
writing down notes at a frantic pace, while on a desk beside him his mage hand is writing
out spell materials, components, and other directions in which to add them for the
spell being taught, Featherfall.
We see the instructor turn to the class and pose a question.
While the faces of many in the class look puzzled, Grantzis' hand shoots up fast
and high in the air, making those nearest to him scoff and roll their eyes as the wizard
at the front of the class calls upon him, allowing him to rattle off the verbal and
somatic gestures to perform a shield spell, leaping onto his desk as he does so.
And as he does, a student tosses a crumpled piece of parchment across the room at him
when Grantzis turns and stops it inches from hitting his face.
The instructor looks impressed but asks him to sit down.
I thought for sure he was going to produce a Patronus.
Side note, please let us know what Patronus you think Grantzis would have if he could
produce a Patronus if there was any Harry Potter cross.
Can a pancake be a Patronus?
I think it needs to be an animate object.
The next scene we see is a smiling and proud Grantzis standing at the front of his own class.
Eager, fresh-faced students filling the chamber before him as he welcomes them all
to the best class to learn about magic and mashed potatoes, giving a sly wink as
he begins a lengthy lecture on the studies of evocation.
At his home, Grantzis bounds up the snowy steps and bursts through the front door yelling,
honey, I'm home!
A very pregnant woman comes down the hall, wringing her hands on a dish towel, greeting
him with a big hug and kiss, and Grantzis says, oh Margie, you're the most beautiful
woman in all of Toriel.
I can't wait till we meet our little, little one, whore girl.
This is trying so hard not to laugh!
The home is decked out in winter solstice decorations.
We flash forward, but only a few days, to a windy night, and Grantzis is hurrying
a bundled Margie to a carriage, and they rush to the Guildhall of the Order.
Lightning crashes over the Guildhall, and we hear the sound of a baby cry out.
Inside, Grantzis is seen holding his newborn baby girl, and it looks like he's been
crying.
He says to the baby, you are the most beautiful girl in all of Toriel, Grantzis.
Your mama loves you so very much.
I promise to keep her alive in our hearts.
The scene fades, and it looks to be a few years later.
We see Grantzis in a similar classroom.
He's at the blackboard, furiously writing, calling out instructions.
A mage hand appears, and appears to be writing over top of previous directions
already given on the blackboard.
He turns and yells out to the class, if you can't keep up, you're never going
to make it.
He turns back to the blackboard, writing over top of what he was already writing,
mumbling to himself as he tries to remember what he was saying.
Later in the day, Grantzis is seated by himself in a tap, drinking a tall
mug of ale.
It's crowded in the tap.
He's looking down at the table when a page appears in front of him.
He looks up but doesn't see who might have left it in the frenzy of patrons.
Reading it out loud, he says, looking for adventure?
The cunning guard want you?
Me?
You.
Meet at the yawning portal tonight at midnight.
Grantzis arranges for his housemaid to watch Grantzine for the night, and heads
out to the yawning portal, where we see him sit down with three other patrons.
A long-haired male, who we recognize as Thaddeus Sicker-Crumuple.
An elven woman named Millie, Thaddeus' wife, and a burly fighter whom we
learn to be Romaine Brodsor.
The group has a discussion when we see a sparkle in Grantzis' eye.
The image fades to the door of Grantzis' classroom with a bunch of confused-looking
students.
As we see them step away, we see a sign that reads, gone fishing.
So the cunning guard go off as an upstart adventuring group.
So we need a couple quick scenes that we can either just talk about or quickly act
out, if we need to, probably just talk them through of some of the things that they got
up to, some of the hijinks that they got up to.
Well they probably do some really mundane stuff like caravan guarding, because that's
an entry-level adventure job, right?
It is.
It's paying your dues.
Exactly, exactly.
So we pick up with them and they're heading north to Luskin during a blustery, cold
winter day.
And as they are rounding a bend, they are attacked by hill people.
How did the hill people attack them there, Tom?
Well that's a real good question.
What are hill people like from The Hills Have Eyes?
That's kind of what I'm envisioning.
Some sort of chud that's come above ground.
So not underground, so like, we'll just change that to above ground.
It's a bunch of chads.
It's a bunch of chads, so why not?
I think they come at us with...
What was that, slingshots or a tiny bow and arrow?
A tiny bow and arrow.
They are hit by a barrage of tiny bows and arrows from these halfling hill people who
come over the bend.
Oh, I just run right up.
Like, I'm a fighter.
I've been so bored.
Just like, walking along.
I'm stoked that there is something to do.
Romain Broadsword dons his Broadsword and charges towards them, barreling them
down like bowling pins.
Halflings go flying everywhere.
Millie keeps score.
Thaddeus was getting his spell ready, but he noticed that it really doesn't need any
more help over there.
As the fighter charges forward and wrecks into all of these halflings, the remainder
of them seemingly having overestimated their abilities, flee back to the hills.
Shooting bows wildly behind them, arrows wildly, but saying like, pew, pew, pew.
You'll never catch us, pew, pew.
Having heard of the great mighty eagle.
Right as she was drinking.
We see them scaling the side of a mountain up to a high perch where a nest for a giant
eagle awaits them.
If I get up there, will there be an angry bird?
You don't know.
Wheel of pigmasks on for some reason?
Like, I don't know why.
What was happening in that game?
It's strange.
I never understood it.
He's quoting the movie.
It's all from the game.
The mighty eagle.
He's in the game too.
Oh, is he in the game?
See, I never played the game that far.
You call upon the mighty eagle to just destroy shit.
Anyways, you get up to, they get up to the nest.
And what do they find up there?
Nothing.
Cracked egg?
Oh, a clue.
That's better.
I like that better.
Like the board game clue?
No, no, no.
Like someone was like, haha, got your first sucker, want your egg, meet us at the
place where the sun is broken into a thousand colors.
What is this world you're describing?
I don't know, but it sounds magical.
Is it a stained glass palace?
Is that where the sun's broken into a thousand colors?
Could be.
Let's go there.
Russ wrote something out, but let's disregard it and go to this mythical castle.
Just kidding, Russ.
Just kidding.
As you finish reading this note that I remember exactly, mythical colors and stuff,
you hear a, they hear a giant caw from behind them and an eagle swoops towards them,
knocking them from the nest.
Damn it, that would have been an interesting side-adventure.
Grancis casts Featherfall as they tumble softly down to the ground.
You appear in a tropical city under a blazing sun.
The familiar sounds of a harbor, creaking ropes, slapping waves, heavy barrels rolling
across cobblestones mingle with voices shouting and cursing in an unfamiliar language
filled with clicks, inhalations, and sing-songy words that make it sound almost musical.
The aroma of unfamiliar spices and tropical fruit mixes with the wharf-side smells of
fish, tar, and canvas.
Beyond all that, as you step down onto the port, Port Nyanzaru is an explosion of color.
Buildings are painted in bright shades of blue, green, orange, and salmon pink,
or their walls are adorned with murals portraying giant reptiles and mythical heroes.
Every building sports baskets and clay urns of colorful flowers,
or is draped in leafy flowering vines.
Minstrels in bright clothing adorned with feathers and shells perform on street corners.
Multi-colored tenants and sun awnings flutter atop the city walls,
and a crowd of children dressed in feathered hats and capes races past you,
squealing in delighted terror as a street performer,
costumed as a big-toothed lizard stomps and roars behind them.
The whole city seems to be bustling, sweating, laughing, swearing, and singing.
You have come to Port Nyanzaru, part of Chult,
and you've come here under the premise that there is a job for you.
You know where you're supposed to be, and it's not till much later in the evening,
but you've heard of dinosaur races in this city.
Hey, so we got some time to kill.
What do you say we go check that out, maybe?
Some dinosaur racing?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to go see some dinos. Let's do it.
All right, Romaine, you're in. How about you Thaddeus?
Is there bedding on these races?
I do like to lay the odd bet down now and then.
Milly gives him the side eye hard, because we're married.
Yeah, there's definite bedding.
Milly, are you in for bedding or are you in for racing?
I'm going to see if I can race one.
I probably have to come, just keep an eye on you guys.
I can place one bet though, right Milly?
Yeah, we'll see.
Okay.
Milly's tough.
We don't know what kind of shit he has gambled away.
Exactly.
I kind of feel like he has.
I'm on Milly's side.
You head down the streets of Port Naan's room to a large market ward.
You enter an area where there appears to be makeshift bleachers set up all down this long path.
You hear roars and snarls coming from inside a building.
You see a man standing at what looks to be an open gate.
He's taking presumably bets from people as they enter.
Know your limits, stay within it.
Thanks, British Columbia Lottery Corporation.
Isn't there a different one for Alberta?
Yeah, that's BC.
That's some good advertising, it's in your brain.
Don't chase your losses.
They don't advertise the lottery very often.
We just know it's there.
Okay.
Well, let's go see about that betting.
Okay, yeah.
I wander on over to the guy taking the money and say, what's the deal here, good sir?
What kind of odds do we got going on?
Oh, you're looking to make a big bet?
What are you looking to make?
I just like to bet, so, you know, whatever.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I get you, I get you.
As I'm kind of twitching?
Sorry, sorry, go ahead, go ahead.
Yeah, no, we got some good odds on the racers today.
We got Big Honker, 7-1, that's 7-1.
I think you want to put a little money down on him.
I mean, that sounds pretty good.
What else you got?
Can we go look at the racers or we just got to get the information from you or what?
Oh, you're new around here?
Yeah.
Yeah, our first time here at the Dyno Races.
Oh, okay, yeah, come on, step right in, let me take you and see the racers.
And he walks you into a stable area.
And you see lining where you might otherwise see horses.
You see large, well, young dinosaurs for the most part.
He walks you in and he says, yeah, this one here, he's the 7-1, he's Big Honker.
He's, yeah, oh, everybody loves him.
As you can see, a lovely Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Look at those, look at those legs.
I mean, you catch him in the unchained race.
He's probably going to be your best bet.
But, you know, I don't know what kind of things you're into there.
He continues you walking down and you step before a young Triceratops.
And he says, this is Uptow's favorite.
He's only 5-1, but it's still pretty good.
You know, you're looking to make a little extra coin.
Now, is that his name or is there someone named Uptow that that's his favorite dragon?
Yes, and both.
And it's a dinosaur, good sir.
I'm sorry if I said dragon.
You probably said the right thing.
He's new here, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys are bringing him on the tour around town.
I get you.
He walks you down.
This one here, it's a Hadrosaur.
A little bit slower, but still good odds.
3-1, Banana Candy is its name.
I slapped that.
Banana Candy.
And I nod back like, OK, yeah, yeah.
OK, OK, good, good.
Now we're getting into some risky business, OK?
These ones are like 2-1s, 1-2s, 1-3s, you know.
And then you get down to the istes like 1-7.
So we got Bone Cruncher, the Allosaurus, Grungsnomper, the Ankylosaurus,
Scarback, another T-Rex there.
I don't know if you can see around the corner.
And we got up this side here, we got Nasty Boy, the Allosaurus.
We got Jungle Princess, who's a Dynonychus, and Mountain Thunder.
She's old, but she still has some fight left in her.
What happens when they don't have any fight left in them?
They go to a happy place.
You send them out to a farm and they can run around for a while?
A dinosaur farm?
Yeah, it's a dinosaur farm.
They live in the trees.
They eat the vegetables.
In the trees?
Yeah.
Within the trees.
Not like inside the trees, lady.
They live amongst the trees.
Now, question.
Where the dinosaurs live.
What kind of transport do these dinosaurs...
Do they take like a dinosaur train to get out to these farms?
You're terrible.
You waited until you were drinking.
Right until you were drinking.
Now I've got a dinosaur train stuck in my hand.
It's never going to leave.
What's a train?
It's a mode of transportation.
Interesting.
We don't have those down here yet.
We got boats and we got...
They just walk because they're dinosaurs.
So, alright.
So you guys all looking to bet?
Where to bet?
Haseley wants to bet.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
That's three bones.
Hey, what's costs get riding in a race?
Well, I don't know.
Who's racing here?
I mean, we've got a couple that don't have a rider today.
Anybody who's looking to partake?
What's your riding of animals' abilities?
I mean, not very good on my account.
I just usually like to bet on them.
I don't do much riding.
Sounds like you want to ride it.
No, I said the exact opposite.
This riding take got to be a pretty good athlete to ride, I guess, eh?
So I'm a remarkable athlete, so...
I bet.
You look like a remarkable athlete.
You look like you'd take out anybody here.
So...
Not me.
How do we ride these things?
You hop onto them and tell them to go.
Okay.
I mean, I guess I asked that question, but I meant how do we facilitate us being
able to ride on them?
We got to pay you or...?
Okay.
You tell me how good you are at riding animals, and I'll put a little...
We'll put some odds against it.
You win some money.
It's good for us.
It's good for you.
You have a little fun riding a dinosaur.
I'm very good.
I will watch.
I'm going to ride the dinosaur, yeah.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
Well, fuck yeah, but...
I mean, I'm just going to place a bet on...
What was it?
Banana candy?
Was that the one, Millie?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I think banana candy was the one that she seemed to have her eyes on.
Very well trained.
I hope, I wish the best for your bet.
How much would you like to put down?
Millie, how much am I allowed to put down?
I mean, what do you think?
Like 10?
Just 10?
10 gold pieces.
Alright, we're going to throw 10.
Gold piece?
Alright.
Is there any sort of concession stand around for maybe like a Jumbo Hot Dog or anything
while we're watching the races?
Yeah, you betcha.
Yeah, you betcha.
We'll get these two outfitted here on their Riders, on their Animals of Choice.
And you guys can go ahead out there to the concession and get yourself a Prime
Seat.
Perfect, sounds good.
Awesome.
Don't die, you guys.
Yeah, be safe.
Oh yeah, totally.
Yeah, I'm totally not going to die.
It's fine.
So you guys head back out to get your Jumbo Hot Dogs, which totally exist in this world.
Yeah, is there the possibility of getting a giant foam finger while we're there as
well?
Maybe a souvenir stand?
Not foam, maybe, but maybe like metal?
Yeah, sure.
Giant metal finger?
Metal.
Yeah.
You can't wave it.
It's like a big armor finger.
Sure, yeah.
There's a large finger made out of like, it's made out of like, yeah, probably
bark.
Okay.
Bark would probably be a good facsimile for that.
What if there's like a magician there and they like, can do like a little, some little
like, buy a little Mage Hand thing so you like, have a big-
Oh, that'd be fun.
Like Mage Hand finger somehow.
I like that.
Yeah.
That's fun.
Not so heavy.
Light.
Light as anything.
Yeah.
I like it.
They sell you a ring of Mage Hand that has one charge in it.
It lasts for like 10 minutes or so.
Yeah, let's do that.
Perfect.
So you guys go find a great seat with your ring of Mage Hand and your large snacks.
We'll get you two who are sitting out to play other racers in the race so you're
actually doing something.
Okay.
Sweet.
I feel like I'm getting to play without the risk.
Well, there's no risk.
Who the fuck's Romaine Broadsword?
I don't care about this dude.
Also, he is not just a cocky asshole.
He's actually really actually good at this.
I'm reading equipment's last.
I haven't got there on the character sheet yet.
He has a warhorse.
Like, he legit is a good rider.
He's a good rider.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So how this racing is going to work.
You get my rainbow.
It's a deck of cards and you have to predict the series of dice.
No, don't make it complicated.
We're so dumb, Russ.
It's not complicated.
Good.
So racing.
A race runs a length of 300 feet.
So the race itself will determine how you jump over things.
You do that as we go here.
But every round, each rider makes a wisdom animal handling check.
And the DC is different for the different types of dinosaurs.
With each success, the animal moves forward at speed.
So some go 50, 40, 30.
50 is the fastest they can go.
We will keep a running tally.
If the check fails, your turn does not increase.
When someone equals or exceeds 300, that dinosaur crosses the finish line.
And that racer wins.
A racer can try to move the higher listed speed.
So it almost doubles the numbers in some case.
They say you'd roll with advantage.
Essentially it'd be like whipping or lashing the animal to get it to go faster.
What about just like a gentle encouragement?
Sure.
However, the dinosaur then has to succeed a constitution check.
And if it doesn't make it, the speed is halved for the rest of the race.
So no initiative is involved.
Riders can make their animal checks in any order or all at the same time.
If two or more dinosaurs cross the finish line in the same round,
the one with the highest tally wins.
If the tallies are the same, the racers are tied.
In the event of a tie, brawls are likely to break out in trackside betting pools.
Do you guys want to do an unchained event where dinosaurs can attack each other?
Or do you want to just race it?
Well, I think we want dinosaurs to attack each other.
I can't speak for everyone, but I mean.
I mean, I'm down.
So I'll give you your plus attack.
Depending on which racer or which dinosaur you pick,
I'll give you some hit points and what damage they need that they have.
Do you want to just roll us dinos?
It seems more fair that way.
What do you guys think?
So there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Of course, there's nine.
There's no D9.
Amy, you are going to be racing Jungle Princess, a Dynonychus with a frightened jockey.
Awesome.
So a Dynonychus has a speed of 40.
And if you whip it, it goes 60.
It has a skill check DC of 12.
So when you roll your animal wisdom handling one, that's what you have to meet or beat.
Tom, you're going to be racing Mountain Thunder, the aging Dimitrodon.
Excellent Mountain Thunder.
I think for a really good fight.
Dimitrodon goes 30 and 50 if you whip it.
What if I whip it real good?
Skill check.
Then it would go 50.
Then you add that to the Spotify playlist and move on.
Perfect.
That's right.
The skill check DC is eight.
Carla, you are going to be racing Big Honker, the crowd-pleasing young Tyrannosaurus Rex.
So the Tyrannosaurus Rex moves a speed of 50.
And if you whip it, it goes 100.
It has a skill check DC of 18.
I feel like he's quite good in comparison.
This is why it was better that we didn't pick, because this is crazy.
Well, we need we need banana candy in this race.
So that so Grancis will pilot it.
Pilot banana candy, the well-trained Hadrosaurus.
Hadrosaurus move 40 or 50 skill check DC of 10.
All right, so you got your dinosaurs.
We'll get you out to the start race.
And then everybody just head for the end line.
And this is an unchained event.
So anything goes.
If you feel like you need to take a strike at something, go for it.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
I mean, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm a frightened jockey.
My jockey's name is Reginald.
I had already forgotten that you were scared.
So it was good character work.
I was sincere.
And Tom, what is your jockey's name?
My jockey's name is Manos.
Of course.
Why wouldn't it be?
Well, hello there.
I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More.
Merry Christmas.
Happy winter solstice.
Happy New Year to you.
Thank you for joining us for episode 68 of Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Oh, boy.
Hope you're enjoying this return of Grancis.
I know I do.
I can't speak for everyone else.
They say they had fun, but that it also reminded them why Grancis was so irritating.
Oh, boy.
Starting today, December 26th, running through January 2nd, over in our T-Public store, linked in the description.
When you visit, make a purchase, and enter the promo code DUMBDRAGON at checkout, you'll receive 30% off your entire order.
We've partnered with T-Public to be able to offer some amazing savings to you to round out this year and to celebrate 2018,
because it's been filled with tons of milestones for not only the podcast, but for us personally.
And we're so happy to have been able to share that with you.
So, one more time, visit our T-Public store, make some picks, and enter the promo code DUMBDRAGON at checkout to get 30% off your order from December 26th through January 2nd.
It's the holiday, so I won't keep you much longer, but just a reminder, you can find us on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon Cast, where for a monthly pledge you can join the amazing community of people who help us make this show better with every single episode.
And if you listen to us and love the show we're creating, a review or a share of an episode to a friend or family member goes a long way.
And to thank you, we're going to get back to reading those reviews.
I know there's a couple in the queue, but we've just kind of worked so far ahead that we haven't had the chance.
So once we're caught back up, we'll get back to reading those again and thanking you for being amazing.
You can find all of our social media links and where to get a hold of us through our website, DumbDragons.com.
And a big thanks to Sirenscape for some of the amazing atmosphere in this episode.
Make sure you check them out at Sirenscape.com to bring your games to life.
Links for everything mentioned today can be found in the description.
The next episode will be out next Wednesday, January 2nd, where we'll continue this Grancis adventure.
Have a great week. We'll talk in the new year.
Alright, you get out to the start race and there is a countdown.
Three, two, one, go!
And everybody is off to the races.
Everybody make your... no initiative. Everybody make your check.
So this is the skill DC?
I made mine.
Plus animal handling.
Alright, I got a 22.
12. I got a 12.
Got a little too much to handle between your legs there, don't you?
I do.
Yeah.
It's true.
Meanwhile, my guy is doing real good, but I feel like he's got like saucer eyes.
Like Reginald really just shouldn't be here.
Like maybe he lost a bet or...
Because what was your roll?
I rolled a 15 plus 7.
Oh damn, girl! I mean damn, boy!
Because it's your Reginald.
And Tom, you made it because you got higher than me.
Yeah, 17 for me.
Great, when can I bite someone because I'm not doing well in the racing part?
When to grab the first tail that goes by me.
Make that decision now.
Great, I want to bite someone now.
Okay, roll to attack and who are you biting?
Uh...
Who's the...
Whoever Grancis is riding. I can't remember.
He's riding...
Not banana candy!
He's riding banana candy.
Oh no!
He's been on banana candy.
Banana, Carla.
It does sound delicious.
You know, in your defense, I understand.
So that is a 24.
24 hits.
As the start bell goes...
Yeah, I'm going to say that stops my guy's movement.
And then roll for damage.
Uh, 16.
Holy shit.
That would have killed my dinosaur.
Banana candy?
Just call my dinosaur banana.
As the start bell goes,
Mountain Thunder and Jungle Princess
leap off of the start line
as Big Anchor takes a Big Chomper
out of banana candy
who is knocked to the ground
as she is trying to leap out in front.
It's really rude.
I feel like she took like one step
and Big Chomper got her tail.
It was just like face plant.
It was rude.
We cut back to the crowd
and we see the Mage Hand
that did have like the number one finger in the air
has now been changed to just an upside down thumbs down.
You don't think this Bloodthirsty Dino Racing crowd
is into this?
They're into it.
Yeah, but our best just got chomped.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry.
Your specific one.
We bet on this, you ass.
Your specific one.
I thought you meant like the whole crowd.
The crowd has not turned against me.
They love it.
Yeah, no, no.
That's fair.
That's fair.
Okay.
So the T-Rex is on top of the Hadrosaurus
and the Dimitrodon and Dynonychus
have jumped forward 30 feet each.
Shouldn't I go 40 feet?
Yep.
Yeah.
Yep.
40 feet.
Just testing me.
Clearly showing the efficiency
of proper riders of dinosaurs, obviously.
Beginning of round two.
Oh, yes, 23.
The Hadrosaur is going to hit at the T-Rex
as it is on top of it with a crit 20.
Damn.
Damn.
We're going to see some Dino murder.
So you made yours, Tom?
Oh, yeah, I made mine.
Critical fail.
Oh, no.
Mountain Thunder kind of sits down
and takes a little break
because she's getting older.
She's very old.
Yep.
And it's like a freestyle race
so she can do whatever she wants.
Whereas Jungle Princess surges forward
another 40 feet
and the damage to the T-Rex,
that's going to be 11.
11 damage to you.
That's the most of the damage.
What does T-Rex do there?
Oh, I got an 11.
I rolled an 11.
To hit or to run?
To run.
I don't care.
You're being attacked right now, too.
I got to fight back, right.
Right, right.
You don't have to.
I mean, you can, but...
Okay, yeah, I'll fight back.
That's a 24.
Yep, that's going to hit.
And that is a 14 damage.
So as the Hadrosaur strikes the T-Rex,
it rears its head back
and snaps the Hadrosaur's neck.
And Grancis yells,
Oh, what are you doing to my...
I just wanted to raise dinosaurs.
Fuck.
I play this game to win.
Alright, so Grancis and the Hadrosaur are out.
Alright, everybody roll your round.
We cut back to Thaddeus in the crowd
and he's on his knees, arms in the air.
Banana candy.
You are too beautiful to live.
11 is just not quite...
Oh, that's better.
I got a 22 that time.
Oh, good one.
I got a 10.
So great.
Carla, what's happening?
I'm real good at chomping.
I'm not very good at moving.
Yeah, roll again there
because you guys are now separated.
Everybody...
I'm ahead.
17.
That's a good...
Okay.
Oh, can I also pee?
Can I...
Roll to pee.
Can my dinosaur roll to pee, like,
urinate while she's running
to make the course slick and or disgusting
for other dinosaurs to run through?
Yeah, absolutely.
Go for it.
You don't have to roll to pee.
You can just pee.
Okay, I just want to pee.
Or tell me how Reginald tells your dinosaur to pee.
He tickles her in the ear,
like the ear hole that lizards have.
And she just pees.
Alright.
Either of you moving?
I rolled a 12.
Can I move yet?
No?
Maybe start lashing your dinosaur.
No, I love it.
I'm just at the front like,
fuck yeah, I killed it.
And I'm not even moving.
Your dinosaur's just eating the other dinosaur.
At this point, you're like,
yeah, you earned that snack.
How does Romaine react to a dinosaur
that's not moving in a race
where he's trying to win?
I think he still feels like he's doing good
at this point because he killed that other dinosaur.
It's sort of like,
this is coming from the dinosaur's perspective,
but it's like when you have falcons,
like, you know, people train falcons.
You can only feed them a certain amount
because if you feed them too much,
they won't chase the thing you want them to.
But if you feed them too little,
they'll just be like,
see you later, idiot, and never come back.
It's a very fine line.
So with this dinosaur,
probably attacking right away
was not my best strategy in hindsight
because the T-Rex just wants to chomp,
and it did.
I feel like, though,
you've changed the rules of the game for yourself.
I have a feeling like you have a huge hubris.
Like, nothing ever doesn't really go your way.
You just change your perception.
So you're like,
oh, no, no, I'm not in it to win the race.
I don't care about the race.
Did you see that I killed that dinosaur?
Exactly.
Well, I'm going to give you the option
that the stable full of dinosaurs is now behind you.
Oh, gosh.
If I want to switch?
If you want to massacre it?
Yeah, like...
It's got the taste for blood.
He's just telling you it's there.
He's giving you the options.
He's just telling you it's there.
Okay.
Jungle Princess surges forward ahead.
Mountain Thunder comes upon a pea spot.
Roll a dexterity saving throw there, Tom.
Roll to dodge pea.
Dodge pea.
So that's a 16 without any bonuses.
So it probably went pretty well for Mountain Thunder.
Mountain Thunder just steps in.
She's used to just stepping through piles of pea
and surges forward.
She's seen it all.
Another 30 feet.
Roll again.
So do I have to state that I want to start whipping now before I roll?
Yeah, because it...
Okay.
And what was the roll again?
It was like wisdom for me and then constitution for the dinosaur?
So you roll with advantage.
Okay.
I'm going to remain so good at this.
Okay.
So first roll was another critical fail.
So good thing I have advantage.
All right.
Much better.
That's a 17.
Okay.
So yeah.
She will move her higher speed, which is 50.
50, you said.
Yep.
So you surge forward and you don't move.
You actually surpass Jungle Princess.
Now you must make a constant...
Sorry.
What's going on back in T-Rex land?
Oh, I rolled a three, so that's an eight.
So I'm still just hanging out.
But what I think is happening is that...
You're just playing possum, letting us feel good about our lead?
No, no.
I think big honker is like head up, blood dripping.
Kind of turns his head towards the crowd, and it's just kind of like checking out all
those soft-bodied humans.
Are you not entertained?
Maybe Romaine is starting to think, I don't know if this was the best choice I could
have made, but I don't know.
He's not a smart man.
Nope.
That's fair.
Okay.
So yeah.
Constitution saving throw for Mountain Thunder.
That's a 14.
I don't know what Mountain Thunder's bonuses are.
I'll give you a con plus there for...
Oh, plus two.
So 16.
Okay.
So you have made it because you need to beat a 15.
So you're not moving half speed.
Excellent.
Do that again.
Okay.
Do it again.
We're at 140 feet.
Jungle or Mountain Thunder is currently in the lead.
You know, Carla, if you put the pedal to the metal, your dinosaur can move 100
feet.
You can basically lap us in two turns.
But I have to say that before I roll, right?
That was not a good roll for Mountain Thunder.
I already rolled and I actually am moving this time, so I don't want to redo it
because I rolled a 23.
Nice.
Okay.
So Big Honker surges forward 50 feet.
Neither of you moved?
No.
No, I got a three.
I got a four.
Stopping to smell the vendors.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, maybe.
Okay.
You get knocked over by one of the vendors there.
Jungle Princess.
So you're scrambling to get back up.
Whereas Mountain Thunder is just, like, taking a deep breath because she's very
tired now that she surged forward.
Winded.
Right.
Oh, winded.
Little winded.
All right.
Again?
Again.
There we go.
21.
That's much better.
17.
Nine.
It's a nine for me.
Nine.
I need to remember to say that I'm going two.
Yeah, me too.
Now that I've started to move, I think Romaine is like, well, fuck, now it looks like
I'm trying, so I better fucking try.
So still in the lead, but within 10 feet, Mountain Thunder and Jungle Princess are
at the front, whereas Big Honker, he's doing something.
It's way back.
Way back.
What number are we going to?
What's winning number?
300.
300.
So you're over halfway there.
The crowd is cheering as you round the final corner to head back towards the finish
line.
Roll.
I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to whip the dino.
Okay.
At 12, which...
What does it mean if I try to whip the dino?
You roll with advantage, and then it's going to make a con save.
Okay.
Well, let's see if I can do better than that, too.
Oh!
And roll the nat 20.
It's really exciting.
Oh, well, the dinosaur shouldn't even have to make a con roll, then, if you nail the
first one.
It's okay.
What's...
Plus three to your con.
Yeah.
Plus 10.
You just have to beat 10.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Yeah.
17.
Then you got it.
So surging out of nowhere, Big Honker runs up 100 feet behind, snarling as he's being
whipped by Romaine.
Mountain Thunder, slow and steady, wins the race within 100 feet, but you hear the
snaps and snarls of Big Honker coming up behind you.
Roll again.
Okay.
I want to search.
Okay.
Oh, I didn't even need to roll advantage.
Again.
24.
And it's also a 24.
What?
Can I try and surge again?
What are the surging rules?
Surge as many times as you want, if it doesn't make the con save.
It's like I always say, if you're gonna run in a race, you might as well ride a
T-Rex.
That's right.
What do I have to beat?
10?
10.
Well, I got it.
13.
A crit fail on the ones.
But again, you have advantage, so.
Yeah.
13.
Does 13 do I move?
13.
Yeah, so you surge.
So, blowing past.
Everybody?
Everybody.
How fast does yours go when it's going super fast?
100 feet.
60.
Okay, so blowing past everybody, the T-Rex goes to 250 feet.
However, just as the T-Rex is catching up, Jungle Princess and her frightened rider who
find it, saw that big honker destroyed another dinosaur and doesn't want his dinosaur destroyed,
blows past the finish line.
Just to be clear, this is his boss's dinosaur.
His boss last minute said, I'm too hung over to ride you do it, and he's just
like, he's like, he's a guy who puts a saddle on the dinosaur.
Like, he's not.
That's why he's so scared.
Makes sense.
As you pull past the finish line, everybody cheers and goes run down, run down to the,
to the bookie and mad dash for money.
You see some older people in the crowd just throw their arms down because it looked
like Mountain Thunder might have won this time around.
And they were pulling, they were pulling for her.
But that is the end of the race.
And Grants is still at the start line.
I just wanted to fucking ride a dinosaur.
Romaine, Jesus.
Just like comforting his poor dead dinosaur.
It's like dying in his arms.
So sad.
Romaine is such a dick.
Is he going to name this dinosaur's baby after himself now?
Yep.
Yep.
I don't feel bad that I killed his dinosaur anymore.
You shouldn't at all.
That was fun.
I mean, I didn't win, but I didn't kill that other dinosaur.
Would have been more fun if your dinosaur didn't eat my dinosaur.
Jesus.
Well, what are you going to do?
It's a T-Rex eat dinosaur world, eh?
We didn't even leave the start line.
Millie comes down from the stands and was like, great fun.
My favorite part was how you ate ten gold pieces of mine.
And now you owe me ten gold pieces.
Yeah, me too for ruining my fun.
Romaine's the worst.
Romaine is the worst.
And I gave everyone E. coli.
Right?
Perfect.
You don't know that yet?
You're going to find out.
We flash to later on in the day and the group has met up with the person who has the job for them.
And they give them a job and saying a small town outside of Port Nianzeru is being overrun and looted frequently by orcs and bug bears.
Everybody agrees that they will take the job because it pays quite, quite heartily.
And we see them later in a cave surrounded by an entire tribe of orcs and bug bears.
It's much larger than it was let on.
With their backs to the walls, we see within Grancis a spark of lightning.
And he lets the largest lightning bolt go into this cave.
And as the dust settles, only he and Thaddeus are moving.
Everyone else has died.
We flash to a couple years later and Grancis is sitting alone in his room.
It's a rainy day and he is staring out into nothing really.
When through from under the door behind him slides a letter, picks it up, and on the seal is a single eye.
Music in today's episode was by Kavin McLeod of Incompetech.Filmmusic.io
It's just crying and I'm over here going, it's Hogwarts.
And then you said Mage Hand and feathers and I'm like, Wingardium Leviosa.
And I'm a nerd.
And then.
Look at me now.
Paisley had some thoughts on it, too.
Yep.
She's getting very emotional about the return of Grancis.
She's been waiting so long.
It's like childhood.
We're really getting in deep here.
That's all I'm saying.
All right.
Feather ball.
I'm trying to laugh.
Amy has it.
So tragic all of a sudden.
Your face is a smile, Tom.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I was emotionally invested, Raz.
I was feeling kind of sad about it.
Two wieners.
Cold hearted.
Amy's laughing.
I knew the baby's name was going to be Grancy and I was just.
It lost some of the emotional resonance for you.
Yes.
I primed myself for the funniness of Grancy.
Got size swiped by the tragedy.
I was already laughing.
It was too late.
I'm a monster.
Sorry.
Would you like to do that again?
No.
You stopped before or I stopped before.
So it's good.
God.
So now this is where you three come in.
We need to come up with three scenes or two to three scenes of things that they go off to do before we jump into one.
Question.
Yeah.
OK.
So Marge doesn't sound like quite a standard lady.
No.
Margie.
She's a standout lady.
She ain't a standard lady.
I had a note like sounds like a pretty standard lady.
I don't know.
Right.
But I just need to right now.
So you're telling me that Margie died during childbirth and then Grancis named her daughter after himself.
That's right.
That's exactly correct.
OK.
I just had to be clear.
I hope her middle name is Margie.
Right.
Sheepers.
It's not.
It's Francie.
It's Grancila.
Francis.
I mean, he did also just leave to go adventuring and like leave his three-year-old daughter.
Sure.
Yep.
Maybe he's not father of the year.
We're going to find out more about that in the regular game as we get to know Grancy.
Totally.
Oh, anyway, adventures.
Excuse the sheep that's in front of you.
So seven.
Am I looking at that right?
Wisdom.
So plus proficiency.
Seven.
Sure.
Yeah.
Let's do that.
What do you mean let's do that?
That's what it is.
Because it's not our wisdom plus, right?
It's our actual wisdom number.
Plus proficiency.
It's wisdom.
Yeah.
So.
So 12, not plus one.
Oh.
Then.
Yeah.
OK.
Then that should be 20.
No.
No, no, no.
It should be the plus numbers.
Hold on.
It's the plus number.
So yeah.
Plus seven.
So for Amy's because she has a wisdom of 16, she gets a plus three.
OK.
She's a real smarty.
Plus proficiency of plus four.
OK.
I'm super smart.
So I have plus five.
I'm not that smart.
I got a 22.
Do I roll a d20?
How do you play this game?
Yes.
You roll a d20.
This is a little, this is a little peek behind the curtain for what Russ has to
deal with every time we do anything slightly different.
This has legitimately been a long time since we've rolled a dice.
Anything with a skill check as well is like, come on.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.